You know, I don't wanna call myself a psychic, but there was an earthquake in Iran yesterday AND a cruise ship sank in the same general area of the world. Before you roll your eyes let me just say that a) my mother had the same feeling I did... she called me to see if I was ok yesterday evening, then she called everyone else she knew and couldn't find anything wrong. And B) I have a similar feelings whenever bad disasters happen (in the family and in the world.) For example, the day the tsunami hit in se asia I was watching a movie with my family and began to get really anxious. I got up and went to the bathroom. Something overtook me. I thougth I was going to vomit, I didn't but out of nowhere I began sobbing like crazy. I am not a person who cries a lot! I couldn't control myself. I felt like I was drowning, or rather like I was caught up in the serf at the beach, I could not catch my breath. I could feel the waves hitting me. The main feeling I can remember is grief, not terror, but imense sadness. I thougt I was loosing it for maybe 10-15 minutes and then I just calmed down, washed my face and went back out and finished watching the movie. I was still anxious but the ordeal was over. I thougt what had happened was odd but really didn't give it much thought at all right after it happened. The next day I heard that 50,000 people had died in a flood/tsunami. I couldn't believe it. When the final death count turned out to be over 250,000 I just figured that some sensative person had to feel that happening. I can just imagine the prayers that were going out, the fear being projected, the utter energy. I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt it. I'm sure I'll feel it again.

I am totally freaking out right now. I cant really put my finger on why. It has been building for a few days. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen, or is happening. I keep having the urge to write a memorial service, but I can’t figure out for whom. I have been having weird chaotic dreams. I dreamed about my mother when she was really young last night and the night before. Her hair was still long. She had gray streaks in it but it was mostly brown and curly. I got a sense however, that it wasn’t my mother I was seeing but me because she doesn’t have curly hair, I do. That does not make any sense but I have to write it down. I was anxious in my sleep. Hard to understand how I could be so anxious and still go to sleep… I also dreamed about a boy I knew in high school that died. I really loved that boy. I think about him from time to time, but haven’t dreamed of him since probably 1996 right after he died. He used to haunt me but he’s been gone for years. I was really surprised to dream of him. I dreamed of pictures of him, not him talking to me. Pictures with writing on them, messages I can’t remember. I was never really sure how he died. It had something to do with drugs but everyone was really hush-hush about it. I couldn’t come right out and ask. If I had the chance now I would though. I always wondered if he had killed himself—perhaps accidentally, or if that had even been called into question. He was really unhappy. I checked the obituaries this morning to see if anyone I know has died. If they have, it isn’t in the paper yet. The ten-year anniversary of his death is coming up in a few weeks. Ten years. It is just so fucking sad. Especially when you realize that usually after high school, life gets a lot better. Now I’m just ranting. I think I’m starting to feel better.

I finally got myself a new computer. I LOVE it. I mac G4. The entire thing is like 2 inches thick. My favorite feature so far has been the 'photo booth.' I never knew how much fun it could be to take pictures of myself. In celebration of bringing the internet into my house for the first time in the month that I've been here, I took the opportunity to buy some music that I have been wanting for ages... Dont tell anyone but I definately got Kenny Rogers greatest hits-- the last time I heard that record was probably in my mothers kitchen when I was a really little kid. She had a little tape player she listened to when she was washing dishes or cooking. I loved that tape... I listened to it all the time. It is about time I heard it again.
Speaking of my family, I think they are pissed at me. I guess I was supposed to go to home for my mother's birthday dinner, and then I wasnt, and then I was again. Somehow I got lost in the back and fourth and when I finally called to she what was going on, it was too late for me to get there in time. Hopefully they went without me, it would be really stupid to not go just because I wasnt able to get there. I'm sure everyone else was ready and excited to be getting together.
That aside, I'm not exactly sure why we all had to get together this weekend anyway. Let me vent for a minute... I'm comming home the next two weekends to get my dog neutered and for easter. Each trip costs me like 6 hours driving time and $40 for gas and tolls. Plus my engine light is on. None of these reasons made any sense to anyone but me, or so it seemed, I really hope this isnt going turn into some big thing where I have to go home whenever they say so to keep people happy with me. I mean I want to go home, and often, because I miss my family as much as they miss me... but driving home three times in three weeks with my engine light on is stupid. It isnt like we are all freaked out about birthdays in my family. This paragraph makes me sound really horrible and ungreatful. I'm not at all. Just frustrated and, ok, a little stoned.

Walmart update: Fuck UPS. Seriously. Unless I'm at home I can't get my packages. They can't deliver to a neighbor, they can't just leave the stuff there, I simply can't have my things unless I sign for them. They wont change the delivery date or time and that is that. What if I dont get my walmart coffee table and area rug? What am I supposed to do, call in sick to get my UPS delivery, I considered it, briefly, this morning, but seriously why is this such a big deal. I tried leaving a signed note and the UPS man got all huffy and underlined all crazy on the UPS posty-note that I had to be there IN PERSON. There is no way I'm going to a)find the ups loading docks to pick the stuff up myself b)lug a coffeetable,headboard and area rug up to the third floor from the street (that is why I wanted it delivered in the first place right?)Ah well I must get back to work so hopefully this message is coherant cause I'm not re reading it.

Well, I finally got paid, so after work today I’m going to go shopping. I’m usually not much of a shopper but I am feeling inspired. I ordered a bunch of things from Walmart.com the other day and I think that is what got the ball rolling, the big white-trashy ball that is. I know Wal-mart isn’t the most posh place you can go for home furnishings, but it’s among the cheapest, so it is what it is, I guess. Actually, I officially hate Wal-mart, usually I boycott it at all costs, but for whatever reason I have amended my moratorium this month. Perhaps you think that makes me a hypocrite, perhaps you are right.
My office is so cold that I am pretty sure I’m going to lapse into hypothermia at some point. If they find me blue and mumbling, frozen to my computer chair, fret not, if you are reading this: know that I love you and please, remember the good times. Things have been pretty, pretty, pretty slow here at my new job. Next week should be different, or so they tell me. Who knew surfing the internet all day and getting paid would loose it’s luster in a mere two weeks. Maybe if it weren’t 14 degrees f. with a wind chill of 9 coming in from my skylight. Luckily leaking air doesn’t mean leaking rain, although I’m not sure how this drafty thing doesn’t let in the water/snow.

I spent most of my day today writing a packet of information on bullies and bullying. Very interesting stuff, I’ll tell you (…bullies sometimes hit, kick, or push to hurt people.) Thank God for the Internet. I read like 8 articles and condensed them into 4 junior high friendly pages in just over half a day. Who knows how long that would have taken me other wise.

Oh, who wants to wager a guess as to how many times I got pulled over on my way home from Buffalo on Sunday? Once? NO. Twice? Yep. Stupid State Police want me to have two headlights for some reason. Now today I have to go somewhere and get it replaced so I don’t get a ticket for real, actually I think I was supposed to do it by sundown yesterday but er, I bought the bulb and then didn’t want to break the glass putting it in during the thunderstorm we were having. After work, in 20 minutes I am going to go to the dealer and make someone show me how. Anyone who knows how my dogs react to strangers understands why I wouldn’t even want to get pulled over once with them in the car, let alone twice. Horrifying. Ok it could have been worse…they could have been uncrated and actually bit the trooper. It was noisy, that’s all I have to say. I wish I could have barked those cops myself… especially the second one, I mean damn what are the odds of getting pulled over twice in the fog and rain in the dark with one headlight?

If I left some cream-sauce-pasta-n-veggies in my car overnight and all day at work, can I still eat it if it was like 45-50 degrees outside and still smells fine? Hopefully I can, cause I already did. Perhaps you’ll see a possible update on that front later. We can’t waste food from our grammas can we?

So lately I have had to deal with a lot of changes in my life. New job, new 'hometown.' Welcome as some of these changes were, it doesn’t mean they were totally easy. I love my new apartment! It is truly wonderful to have some space and time to myself, not to mention the only ones I have to clean up after are myself, and the dogs. The biggest mess they ever make is knocking over a garbage can or something so I don’t have much to worry about. I now live in a city that is even smaller and shittier than Buffalo. I never thought I’d move away from Buffalo and my friends and family for a step down, but ta-da, here I am. I’m sure I’ll have some fun but so far I haven’t found much to do but shop, and since I haven’t worked in a month I haven’t been paid in a month, so I am really broke! I think I have $34 in my savings and maybe $55 in my checking. A mere 3 months ago I literally had $10,000 in savings, but then I paid off my credit cards (mostly) and paid my first months rent and a $700 security deposit so, yeah, I’m broke as a joke, to use a much over used euphemism. I hate having no money. (Insert mushy music here:) I grew up so poor that I promised myself that I would never let that happen to me and my kids. I knew that when I grew up I would a) never have a baby before I was financially sound, and b) save, save, save and be smart about investing. I decided all this when I was perhaps 11 years old. I have been saving ever since. Maybe it is good for me to see what it is like to be financially vulnerable. I don’t like it—not even for two weeks. I have literally never borrowed money from my mother that I didn’t pay back in a week. I bought all my own books in college (and some of my sisters too sometimes…) I like being independent and financially sound. I don’t like being stressed out, I don’t like having to think and think before I buy stuff.
I am still looking forward to moving to Los Angeles and being ‘famous,’ but in all honesty if I don’t stay here for at least the rest of this school year and next year, I can’t even put this job on a resume. I think I will feel better once I know my way around and such. Not to say that I am feeling bad, I am quite enjoying myself for the time being, but after 2 weeks or so I am already getting kinda bored, so I can only imagine what is coming in that department. I sort of feel like one of those assholes that comes from “the city” to go to school at UB and tells anyone who will listen how much Buffalo sucks. Syracuse isn’t that bad, it just isn’t spectacular and thus, since it also isn’t home I’m not that enthusiastic about living here for 18 months. My apartment complex does have a pool though, so perhaps that will be Syracuse’s saving grace in my book.
Perhaps solitary Angela will even have to go out on a limb and make a few friends or gasp, start dating someone. I think I hate dating because I hate considering other peoples feelings. That sounds really bad, but I suppose I don’t mean it like it sounds… I just want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I don’t like considering what does or doesn’t work in that equation for anyone other than me. I am not selfish, really, just not into working at relationships. I have to find a good-looking retard I can control… just kidding. I hate retards. Just kidding, I love retards, just not like that. I am finding, however, that I no longer am content with hooking up so eventually something will have to change. I really don’t want to get AIDS. That is the lingering reason. The up front reason is that it is no longer satisfying. I need to kick someone’s ass around the bedroom for a few months for a change, instead of, you know, once, and see how that goes. God, I hate to say it but the Dominatrix thing isn’t even that interesting lately. Maybe it is because I’m a goddamn guidance counselor?