I am totally freaking out right now. I cant really put my finger on why. It has been building for a few days. I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen, or is happening. I keep having the urge to write a memorial service, but I can’t figure out for whom. I have been having weird chaotic dreams. I dreamed about my mother when she was really young last night and the night before. Her hair was still long. She had gray streaks in it but it was mostly brown and curly. I got a sense however, that it wasn’t my mother I was seeing but me because she doesn’t have curly hair, I do. That does not make any sense but I have to write it down. I was anxious in my sleep. Hard to understand how I could be so anxious and still go to sleep… I also dreamed about a boy I knew in high school that died. I really loved that boy. I think about him from time to time, but haven’t dreamed of him since probably 1996 right after he died. He used to haunt me but he’s been gone for years. I was really surprised to dream of him. I dreamed of pictures of him, not him talking to me. Pictures with writing on them, messages I can’t remember. I was never really sure how he died. It had something to do with drugs but everyone was really hush-hush about it. I couldn’t come right out and ask. If I had the chance now I would though. I always wondered if he had killed himself—perhaps accidentally, or if that had even been called into question. He was really unhappy. I checked the obituaries this morning to see if anyone I know has died. If they have, it isn’t in the paper yet. The ten-year anniversary of his death is coming up in a few weeks. Ten years. It is just so fucking sad. Especially when you realize that usually after high school, life gets a lot better. Now I’m just ranting. I think I’m starting to feel better.